RBH

Bath time went well this morning

2012-02-16T10:11:00.001-08:00

Sunday morning sleepy time

2012-02-12T04:48:00.001-08:00

Bath time with Daddy

2012-01-17T03:02:00.001-08:00

Just the two of us...

2012-01-17T03:01:00.001-08:00

Mommy's first work trip until Thursday. I hope she is able to enjoy herself and not worry about us. We are going to have fun!

A Tribute to Dr. Martin Luther King

2012-01-16T07:05:00.001-08:00

A special holiday to celebrate the king of the Civil Rights Movement. What a pioneer, leader, and visionary in helping to create equality to all. Picked this cool image off of google this am.

Dealing with Grief and the loss of a loved one...

2012-01-06T16:06:00.000-08:00

Times are hard Reed. Everyone misses Grand dad and Grammy's heart is broken. Our hearts ache for her and we pray that she is able to find some peace and understanding in God's love and ours. This is a proverb that she sent to us to help understand what she is going through....

I found this quote that I find particularly insightful during this time for me. Kahil Gibran wrote, "And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and seek God unencumbered."

To My Friend:

I have lost the one I love, the one I cherish. My lover, my best friend, my whole life.
Either you have stumbled across this because you want to find out how to help me, or I have given this to you.

How I am Feeling• I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted.
• I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain.
• My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
• I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted.
• I can't eat. I can't stop eating.
• I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping.
• Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming. I just don't want to know about it right now.
• Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do. I forget everything except that my love has gone.
• I am going through tidal waves of emotion. One minute I might be laughing, the next I may be in tears.
• Sometimes I want to talk. Sometimes I need to be alone. Sometimes I need silent company. Sometimes I need all of these things in the space of 5 minutes.
• Some days I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Some days I will keep myself totally occupied in an attempt to escape.
• Sometimes I will be intense. Sometimes I will be irrational. Sometimes I will be snappy, and often I will be totally lost in myself.
• Often I may not have a clue as to what I want, but it only takes a moment for me to realize what I don't want.
• I am hypersensitive and will often be offended by things you say to try and make me feel better.
• I want to wail. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to just sit.
• I have no choice how I react. This is coming from deep inside me and intelligence and self control have no effect. It comes from the basal self.
• Sometimes it so hard for me to respond to phone calls or letters or emails, but I truly appreciate that you are doing it, so please don't stop just because I don't respond.
• I will not be fully-functional at work for a long time. In fact, I may never work with the same intensity again as my perspectives of what is important and what isn't has been changed permanently.
• I still want to laugh. I need to laugh. I may suddenly go quiet mid-laugh, when hit by a sudden reminder, but I desperately need to continue to laugh.

Emotional Things You Can Do• Let me talk about him. I want to talk about our love. I want to tell you how we met, our last days, and everything in between. I want to show you his picture, tell you how wonderful he was.
• Let me cry. Your acceptance that I need to cry and your permission to allow me to is one of the best gifts you can give me. Hand me a tissue, and do your best to sit quietly and let me cry.
• Once you have allowed me to open up or cry, please don't change the subject or try to stop me. I know you feel uncomfortable that I am in pain. Don't. Changing the subject, trying to stop me crying just makes me hold everything inside, and eats away at me.
• Tell me all your stories of when my love was sweet, courageous, rotten or funny. I need to hear everything about him. If you don't know many, find out some from those who are too scared to approach me now.
• Let me try to tell you what is going on inside me. I won't succeed, but I need to try.
You don't have to do anything. Just allowing me to do it, and allowing me to feel what I need to feel means so much.
• It is really hard for me to tell other people about my loss. I'm working full time to deal with my emotions. Trying to deal with someone else's reaction or discomfort is the last thing I need, so if someone needs to know it would be good if you could explain it to them.

What Not To Do• Don't tell me you understand how I feel, or that you can imagine the pain I am going through, unless you have lost the love of your life. Trust me, you can't. If I can't, and I am going through it, trust me, you can't â€“ your mind will just not let you voluntarily imagine this much pain.
• Don't try to compare my loss to the loss of a parent, or a friend, or an acquaintance or pet, it's not the same. I understand that all of these things are painful, but it is not the same.
• Don't ask how I'm doing unless you really want to know. I am assuming that as you know, and as you have asked, you truly want to know.
• Don't try to save me from my feelings or make me feel better. I know you can't bear to see me in so much pain, but I need to go through all of these feelings whether I want to or not.
• Once you have "given me permission" to talk or cry, please don't try and distract me with small talk. I know it makes you feel better if I appear happy, but my pain is ever-present and it makes me feel like you don't care.
• Don't tell me everything will be okay.
• Don't tell me "he's always with you".
• Don't tell me "he's no longer in pain".
• Don't tell me "he's looking down on you from heaven".
• Don't tell me "you're lucky that you had such love, some people don't".
• Don't tell me "he's in a better place".
• Don't however be surprised however if I say these thingsâ€¦
• Don't ever tell me "you must be strong". If ever there's a time I should be permitted to be weak, this is it. What's more, if I only "need to talk" to you once every few weeks, chances are I have been strong and right now I really need you to understand that I am exhausted and need help.
• Whatever you do don't tell me "If I were you I'dâ€¦." Until you are in the same situation, you have absolutely no idea what you will do. Your logical brain has absolutely no control.
• Never try telling me "life goes on", or "he wouldn't want you to cry", or "God will never give you more than you can handle" or any other meaningless platitudes.
• Don't try to solve my "problem". Unless you can bring him back, it can't be "solved".
• Don't feel the need to fill in silences. I know the silences are hard for you, but if you can accept them, you are helping me immensely.
• Please don't try and help me find "closure", or tell me I need to find "closure". Closure is an obscene word for me right now, as is "moving on"/"move on".

Practical Things You Can DoI understand that a lot of you find it hard to cope with my emotional pain. Hate to see me hurting so. If you can't help me emotionally, you can help me practically.
• Don't ask me what you can do to help. I have no idea, I am overwhelmed.
• Bring me some meals that I can just put in the microwave.
• Find out what sort of bread, milk, toilet paper, etc I use and bring me them to me. I have no idea I need them until I run out, so don't bother asking me if I need anything.
• If you are an organized person offer to manage my bills. Collect the bills as they come in and let me know when they need to be paid, and make sure I do. Time has no meaning for me right now. It's only when the cut-off notices come that I realize I need to do something.
• Get copies of photos I don't have from family and friends and put them in an album for me. It will be one of the most precious gifts you could give me.

Practical Things I Need To Do• I need to surround myself with beauty.
• Sit in the sun and just soak it up.
• Enjoy nature. Look at the majesty of mountains, and enjoy the miracle of a blade of grass.

Have a massage.
• Write in a journal.
• Cry when I need to. Tears are a release.
• Not make any big decisions for a while. A big enough life change has already taken place.

RememberGrief is an emotional injury that requires time to heal. Not a week, not a month, not even a year, it takes as long as it takes. It is similar to major physical injury. You may not be able to see the wounds on the inside, but they are there.
Real-life is nothing like TV.
I will not "get over it" - I will learn to live with my loss and incorporate the lessons into my life.
I will get better over time, but I will never forget him. The pain ebbs and flows, but never goes completely.

Christmas

2011-12-26T16:27:00.000-08:00

"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Jesus

Don't stop believing...

2011-12-11T18:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Reed,

I am writing this addressed to you but also for me to understand more fully my beliefs and aspirations. Even after thirty-five years I am still continuing to re-align my moral and ethical compass. I know there will be many times when you are uncertain which decision to make. I hope our experience and care for you will guide you in choosing the right decision based on LOVE.

Continually, I question what I am doing with my life as it pertains to: spirituality, vocation, and overall purpose. As of recent with Grand Dad's passing, I question everything even more. I have been searching for a definitive sign that he is in the kingdom of God. How can I know he is really all-right?

I am a believer; to the extent of which I do not know. It is a never ending process of discovery for both myself and your mother. There are very few people, if anyone who truly knows what happens to us after we die. I would like to think we enter the kingdom of God and we are surrounded by complete Love and Awe. Why else would be continue living if our soul turns into nothing? I continue to question where Dad is and how he is doing. I continue to pray he is with God.

Walking to work this Sunday morning I had the opportunity to pray and reflect on Grand Dad. I was struggling with his absence and continued to think about that sign I was looking for that he is Ok. I came across this image at the very moment I was thinking this thought. At first I walked past it and then thought to myself "did I really see the words pearly gates"?

When sharing this story with your Mother she found it quite interesting based on our previous discussions looking for signs and our beliefs in afterlife. She asked me if I was overtaken with any feelings of warmth or compassion. The feeling that overtook me at that very moment of was more of bewilderment in God's power and glory.

It's takes faith. Faith to me is a firm belief in something for which there is no proof. Let the faith begin. I miss you greatly Dad.

The Start of a Christmas Tradition

2011-12-06T08:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was an AWESOME day to get in the Christmas mood. Despite an overcast and gloomy Monday, Mommy had the bright idea of going to the mall to get lunch and take photos with Santa. Today is the start of her going back to work. I know it is going to go well and we have made the right decision. I am so proud of all her hard work with you. She is one of the most caring and nurturing mothers I have seen. You are adjusting so well to everything! We are so impressed with your flexibility and easy going nature!

My time alone with you has been special: taking walks, sitting by the fire, feeding you a bottle, and admiring your amazing smile! Grammy and Aunt Marilyn will be watching you a few days this week and then next week Momma & Daddy B will be taking care of you. We are very fortunate to have such loving and supportive family to help care for you. Grand Dad would be very proud.

We came home to do some decorating, make dinner, and topped it off with Momma's favorite movie, Love Actually. Highly recommended movie if I do say so myself.

Cheers to a happy and healthy holiday season Reed!

Thanksgiving at the Beach

2011-11-30T15:49:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving with the Baldwins at the beach is always special. It is filled with lots of oysters, cooking, and just hanging out with all the family. Oh, and a good ole fashioned game of flash light tag to get us amped up for the paintball we played on Saturday. It was great to get away from Charlotte and everything that has been going on. I truly feel like this was the first good opportunity to hang out with you and really spend quality time together. You figured out how to suck your thumb and win over Daddy with your precious smiles and coos. We love you so much!

The Legacy Continues...

2011-11-18T18:29:00.000-08:00

We celebrated the life of your Grand Dad today at St. Matthews Church in Charlotte, NC. Your uncle Michael gave a special eulogy honoring Dad. His anecdotes and feelings described in detail your Grand Dads faith, perseverance, and sacrifice to support his family and loved ones.

I cannot tell you how many times I heard people tell me how much they valued his friendship and how welcoming he and your Grammy are to people in the community. We are lucky to have such a strong family and community of people to support us as we move forward in life without Dad. Love and faith will guide us.

We continue to pray that we find strength in God's love and the power of his glory. We are so proud that you have been so flexible in traveling and meeting so many different people and just going with the flow during this challenging time. You continue to provide a renewed sense of energy and optimism in not only our lives, but the lives of many.

xoxoxoxo

The Passing of a Legacy

2011-11-15T05:26:00.000-08:00

Your Grand Dad passed away this morning Reed. He was surrounded by family including you as he took his last breaths. He is now pain and cancer free and in the hands of God.

Grand Dad was a very well respected man who loved his family so much and had a sense of integrity that few people follow these days. We have been very blessed to have this year to spend with family and very thankful you had the opportunity to meet him. You brought a lot of comfort and joy in his last days. He will remember those special memories as he starts his new journey in heaven.

Shortly after his passing I went walking to clear my mind and get some fresh air. As I reached the crest of the street I saw this beautiful sunrise and was reminded of God's glory and new beginnings.

Rest in Peace Dad. We love you:-)

Halloween and Your Smile@!

2011-11-02T22:23:00.001-07:00

Your Birthday Tree

2011-10-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

Picked up this succulant Bonsai Tree for you today at the farmers market. May it live to be healthy, wise, and strong. When you are old enough you can care for this little guy.

The TREE of Life by Mia Ocean

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This tree
Is not only a tree
It is a freindly tree,
that is always watching over you.
This tree
Is not only a tree
It is a magical tree.
That makes miracles happen,
Hopes become realaties,
And nevers become alwayses.
This tree
Is not only a tree,
It is where everything started.
It is the tree of life.

2011-10-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

I headed up to the mountains for some Fall Foliage action in the Wilson Creek and Linville area. It was a beautiful day to get away. Thought a lot about you today Reed when I was capturing these beautiful settings. My pictures are below along with a poem I found that communicates the magic of moving water.

As the waters flow from the rivers to the sea
continuously shaping, changing,
they affect all they touch,
So does my love for thee.

Progressively molding, forming,
affecting my life in every way and so very much.

As the mountains which lay dormant for so very long,
until caressed by the waters rushing through them,
awakened to new life that sweetly flows within.
So is my love for thee

For what has lain dormant for so very long,
until thy gentle kiss,
thy tender touch, thy loving words,
which mean so much.

Caused a river of love to burst forth.
It awakened my heart, my love to a new life.

A life that may never find peace
but in thy loving arms

As the mountains, rivers and waterfalls become one
so must we ~~ Found on the web. Unknown author

Small successes...

2011-10-10T08:58:00.000-07:00

Last night was pretty rough as you were continually fussy, even after your feedings. This morning was the same and I took you after your breakfast and you were still extremely fussy. You were throwing a fit and I was thinking to myself you have yet to fall asleep in my arms. After trying all the 5 S's you finally gave way and right at that fleeting thought you surrendered to sleep in my arms. It was pretty special. Then I was able to have you sleep on my chest like we did those first few days in the hospital before putting you down in the crib.

We certainly hope tonight goes better and we are thinking about giving you some gripe water to settle the gas you are having. Right now your enjoying the Nap Nanny Aunt Joell gave to us.

Lessons learned so far:

1. feeding time is actually considered wake time

2. never wake a sleeping baby

That's it for now...

You little RASCAL.... We need sleep:-)

2011-10-09T18:56:00.000-07:00

We think you are like your Daddy and have lots of gas. At least that is why we think you get so upset.

Visiting

2011-10-09T18:52:00.000-07:00

Kayla was kind enough to stop by and bring a delicious meal and dessert. She also brought a special onsie from church and Reed's personal baby bible. We love them!

Then we headed to Grammy and Granddads for an overnight.

Purple Crying, The Bath, and a Photoshoot

2011-10-03T09:06:00.000-07:00

Just a relaxing beautiful Fall day to hang with the family. Son, you were especially fussy last night for about 3 hours and we got our first taste of what they call Purple Crying. I was able to handle my frustation by saying "tighten up son and pull it together". Putting you in the B.O.B stroller and wheeling you around seemed to do the trick.

We started the morning with a nice walk to get coffee, then a bath, and then some photos. You are having much more wake time for us to interact and read to you. It is so gorgeous outside I'm sure we will be spending a lot more time for you to get some fresh air...

Work of Art

2011-10-02T08:32:00.000-07:00

Fresh off the press from Mom! You have a very talented and artistic mother!

Happy Birthday Grandad

2011-10-01T19:49:00.000-07:00

We are so happy you got to meet both of your Grandfathers. I didn't have the opportunity to meet either of mine. Your Uncle Michael and his family came to visit for the weekend to celebrate! You have been quite fussy the past two days but it was awful special when you quieted down on the ride home and just held onto my hands for comfort.

Our Doula Julie

2011-10-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

Your Doula loves you Reed. She was with us during most of your labor for support and came to the house to meet you after you were born. Here is the letter she wrote to you... Thanks Julie!

First Road Trip--North Myrtle Beach

2011-10-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

We decided to go for a trip to see family and get out of the house. You were easy to travel with. Everyone was so excited to meet you, especially George. You have some very special cousins!

Coming Home

2011-10-01T19:39:00.000-07:00

We were so happy to bring you home and bring you into our lives. Momma and Daddy B came to visit. We even went to our first house party. We dolled you up and took photos of our beautiful boy!!!

9-13-2011 Your Birthday!!!

2011-10-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

What an experience this day was! Your Momma did an astounding job bringing you into this world. I will never forget when the nurses brought you into my arms. I was so emotional and cried tears of joy. The next 3 days in the hospital were so special.

Anxiously Awaiting...

2011-10-01T19:24:00.000-07:00

Catching up after you are born and wanted to journal our past, present, and future experiences with you. You are the greatest thing that ever happened to us. We love you so much!